Worthy or Not Worthy? That is the Question...

While reading one of my books, Buddhism Plain and Simple, by Steven Hagan, I ran across this:
“To be fully alive, we must be fully present.
How do we do that?
To experience the answer to this question, you must come to three realizations:
1 You must truly realize life is fleeting.
2 You must understand that you are already complete, worthy, whole.
3 You must see that you are your own refuge, your own sanctuary, your own salvation.”

Intellectually, I do great on these. I am so there. Emotionally, however, I’m only part way on point 2, and when I read 3, I realize I’m screwed. What I mean by this is that I BELIEVE that I am already all these things, but when I look at some of the things I do, or don’t do, I realize that my actions can’t be coming from these beliefs. And then I’ve got to be honest with myself about what I am acting on, and where that comes from. Which is where the idea that I’m screwed comes from.

I’m not really screwed, of course, it’s just that this world and life experiences are so good at teaching us that we are not complete, worthy and whole, right here, right now, that if you can’t get yourself REALLY believing it, you realize that being your own refuge, your own sanctuary is mostly out of reach. Cause I don’t think I can be my own salvation fully until I have fully realized my worth. (Not that I don’t have a lot of self-worth - no need to worry, fellow kids. I’m in a pretty good spot.)

I’ve spoken with both J and G on this. J and I have a lot in common, beginning with our initials - she’s JC and I’m CJ. We find this amusing, as we are often mirrors of each other in life. Our conversations so far reveal that in our dating life, we’ve sometimes chosen men who were not worthy of us. Or rather, ones who were worthy, but refused to believe it themselves, and hence didn’t act like it. Why would we do that? J wants to believe that it has to do with empathy, but I’m not sure I can agree with her. Yes, empathy is involved... but doesn’t that mean that the empathy has overcome some other important things? Like self respect and self worth? Wouldn't that be a bad idea, to let empathy overrun self respect and worth? Why would we have chosen men at any point in life who are not yet worthy of us, if that were not a reflection of our own worth somewhere in there? That I have empathy doesn’t cut it to me. I do, yes, but as an explanation for all of this, it feels like a lie, and I think there’s a reason for that: for me at least, it is a lie. J may have a different story here, or at least I’ll let her come to her own conclusions.

G, a guy friend who may become more than that (but I digress), and I have also spoken about this. There were a few ways in which G and I could each see that our intellectual self worth is above our emotional self worth, but amongst the ones that I’m comfortable sharing here, we revealed to each other that we both make more effort around the house, or cook a nice meal for dinner, if there’s a housemate. Is that about not wanting to be judged, or is that about worth? Could be a little of both, but I find it interesting when I look at all the ways that my own self worth might be subtly affecting every aspect of my life. And all the ways that others are affected by their own self esteem.

All of this surprises me, because I happen to be sure that I rock, and am absolutely amazing. So does, and is, everyone I know and love in this world.

But I wonder how many of us will look at the above reading, feel confident we’re spot on with it, and then think “If I’m my own salvation, I am so screwed.”