Show Me the Money

The Federal Emergency Unemployment Compensation Act was signed into effect in November of 08, and in December, everyone who might be eligible got a letter from the Unemployment Insurance Agency. My letter, arriving Tuesday the 9th at 2pm, instructed me to call to certify the week of the 7th at my regular time. Which would be Tuesday the 9th from 4 to 5pm. Glad I checked the mail before 5pm. I guess they assume that if I’ve got no fulltime job, I’m around to do so. Fair enough. (And, there is a make up time for certification at the end of the week.)
I call MARVIN a little after 4pm, certify I’ve still not found fulltime employment, and MARVIN tells me that my check will be sent two days later, and sure enough, it lands in my account the following Thursday, just like clock work. (If you’ve never met MARVIN, he’s the Michigan Automated Response Voice Interactive Network. You call ‘him’ to claim weeks of unemployment.)
However, my letter and my call to MARVIN contained one other instruction. Both said that since my benefit year was ending, I needed to go online and file a new claim. The letter clearly stated that I would collect either on the new claim, or on the EUC. I tried calling the UIA repeatedly to confirm what I should do. No luck getting through.
I file a new claim on the internet, as instructed and wait. And wait. I get a letter telling me the claim was denied (so I should be getting the EUC, according to first letter). On the 23rd, my next time to certify, I was actually on the freeway trying not to die in the snow and ice storm. It took me an hour and a half to drive what normally takes 45 minutes (had gone to R’s to help around the house), so I missed my call in.
I called during the Thursday make-up time instead (Christmas Day - I don’t celebrate Christmas, so I had plenty of time that day).
But MARVIN did not have the same sweet words for me that he has ALWAYS had. No. First, MARVIN questioned my PIN, which I thought odd. Once accepted, MARVIN seemed like his normal self. Then, at the end of the call, MARVIN said the meanest thing he’s ever said to me. Instead of his normal statement about the amount of the check and the date it would be cut, MARVIN said that my check, if I was qualified, would be sent on the next business day.
If I was qualified?
What the hell?
And so began my daily struggle of calling the UIA. The UIA has an interesting way of dealing with high call volumes. Their recording informs you that they’re experiencing high call volumes, directs you to the web site, reminds you to keep certifying at your regular call in or make up time, and then hangs up on you.
Their web site does have a new feature where you can sign in using the info for MARVIN, and find out more. I try to register. The system tells me the PIN I’ve entered is not the one on file for MARVIN.
I call MARVIN. MARVIN says that’s the PIN.
I try the web site again. It says it’s not the PIN.
Okay...
I check my bank account every morning, hoping it’s been direct deposited, and when that doesn’t happen, I unsuccessfully call the UIA a few dozen times, and then wait to check the mail box as soon as the mail comes. And when there’s no check in the mail, either, I try to call the UIA a few dozen more times. Once I’ve exhausted myself calling over and over and being hung up on repeatedly by the recording, I curl up in a fetal position and wonder about my basic survival. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Skip to today. Today, I check my account. No money. I try to call the UIA. After spending 15 minutes repeatedly dialing the number, I somehow miraculously get through. I punch #3, for my choice to talk to a person, and settle in for my long wait.
In the meantime, young Stripe comes along, sits down behind me and starts meowing loudly for attention. I ignore her for a while, then tell her no repeatedly, but she persists. And persists. She begins reaching up and putting her claws in my clothes, something she does when she’s decided even negative attention will suffice.
Irritated, I turn to pull her claws out, and push her away. Bad choice on my part. For those of you who do not know it, my home is masonry. My cell typically can only get one bar of signal in the house near windows, and I often drop calls as a result. I don’t have a land line.
Guess what happens when I turn to shove her away?
Yeah. The call drops. I’ve been on hold about 10 minutes at that point. Wanting to kill Stripe, I go back to dialing instead. After about 15 minutes of not getting through, I give up. I check the mail when it comes. No check.
After assuming the fetal position for some time, I called MARVIN yet again, and chose inquiry instead of certify. And my buddy MARVIN finally had something nice to say to me. He says the money was paid to me Monday. Where it is now is another question, but that’s another post.
And, Stripe remains alive and unharmed. It’s too hard to kill a cat from the fetal position.