The Federal Emergency Unemployment Compensation Act was signed into effect in November of 08, and in December, everyone who might be eligible got a letter from the Unemployment Insurance Agency. My letter, arriving Tuesday the 9th at 2pm, instructed me to call to certify the week of the 7th at my regular time. Which would be Tuesday the 9th from 4 to 5pm. Glad I checked the mail before 5pm. I guess they assume that if I’ve got no fulltime job, I’m around to do so. Fair enough. (And, there is a make up time for certification at the end of the week.)
I call MARVIN a little after 4pm, certify I’ve still not found fulltime employment, and MARVIN tells me that my check will be sent two days later, and sure enough, it lands in my account the following Thursday, just like clock work. (If you’ve never met MARVIN, he’s the Michigan Automated Response Voice Interactive Network. You call ‘him’ to claim weeks of unemployment.)
However, my letter and my call to MARVIN contained one other instruction. Both said that since my benefit year was ending, I needed to go online and file a new claim. The letter clearly stated that I would collect either on the new claim, or on the EUC. I tried calling the UIA repeatedly to confirm what I should do. No luck getting through.
I file a new claim on the internet, as instructed and wait. And wait. I get a letter telling me the claim was denied (so I should be getting the EUC, according to first letter). On the 23rd, my next time to certify, I was actually on the freeway trying not to die in the snow and ice storm. It took me an hour and a half to drive what normally takes 45 minutes (had gone to R’s to help around the house), so I missed my call in.
I called during the Thursday make-up time instead (Christmas Day - I don’t celebrate Christmas, so I had plenty of time that day).
But MARVIN did not have the same sweet words for me that he has ALWAYS had. No. First, MARVIN questioned my PIN, which I thought odd. Once accepted, MARVIN seemed like his normal self. Then, at the end of the call, MARVIN said the meanest thing he’s ever said to me. Instead of his normal statement about the amount of the check and the date it would be cut, MARVIN said that my check, if I was qualified, would be sent on the next business day.
If I was qualified?
What the hell?
And so began my daily struggle of calling the UIA. The UIA has an interesting way of dealing with high call volumes. Their recording informs you that they’re experiencing high call volumes, directs you to the web site, reminds you to keep certifying at your regular call in or make up time, and then hangs up on you.
Their web site does have a new feature where you can sign in using the info for MARVIN, and find out more. I try to register. The system tells me the PIN I’ve entered is not the one on file for MARVIN.
I call MARVIN. MARVIN says that’s the PIN.
I try the web site again. It says it’s not the PIN.
Okay...
I check my bank account every morning, hoping it’s been direct deposited, and when that doesn’t happen, I unsuccessfully call the UIA a few dozen times, and then wait to check the mail box as soon as the mail comes. And when there’s no check in the mail, either, I try to call the UIA a few dozen more times. Once I’ve exhausted myself calling over and over and being hung up on repeatedly by the recording, I curl up in a fetal position and wonder about my basic survival. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Skip to today. Today, I check my account. No money. I try to call the UIA. After spending 15 minutes repeatedly dialing the number, I somehow miraculously get through. I punch #3, for my choice to talk to a person, and settle in for my long wait.
In the meantime, young Stripe comes along, sits down behind me and starts meowing loudly for attention. I ignore her for a while, then tell her no repeatedly, but she persists. And persists. She begins reaching up and putting her claws in my clothes, something she does when she’s decided even negative attention will suffice.
Irritated, I turn to pull her claws out, and push her away. Bad choice on my part. For those of you who do not know it, my home is masonry. My cell typically can only get one bar of signal in the house near windows, and I often drop calls as a result. I don’t have a land line.
Guess what happens when I turn to shove her away?
Yeah. The call drops. I’ve been on hold about 10 minutes at that point. Wanting to kill Stripe, I go back to dialing instead. After about 15 minutes of not getting through, I give up. I check the mail when it comes. No check.
After assuming the fetal position for some time, I called MARVIN yet again, and chose inquiry instead of certify. And my buddy MARVIN finally had something nice to say to me. He says the money was paid to me Monday. Where it is now is another question, but that’s another post.
And, Stripe remains alive and unharmed. It’s too hard to kill a cat from the fetal position.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Love the Questions Like Locked Rooms. Can We Keep it Locked, Please?
There’s one other note about the reading from Buddhism Plain and Simple, by Steven Hagan, that I’d like to make. I’m including the reading here, again, for your convenience:
“To be fully alive, we must be fully present.
How do we do that?
To experience the answer to this question, you must come to three realizations:
1 You must truly realize life is fleeting.
2 You must understand that you are already complete, worthy, whole.
3 You must see that you are your own refuge, your own sanctuary, your own salvation.”
I like that it’s stated ‘to experience the answer to this question’, because that’s what it’s about: experiencing it. Living it.
Ranier Maria Rilke explains this well in his often quoted letter four of Letters to a Young Poet. Translations vary, but here it is:
“You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
I can appreciate that to experience the answers, to learn the answers, I will have to live my way into the answers by learning to love the questions.
What I don’t appreciate is that Rilke never noted that the questions would be a locker room full of raucous, adolescent, pimply faced questions, slamming locker doors under the fluorescent lights. NOT easy to love. I don’t even really want to go in the room.
But then, Buddhism addresses it with #1 of the Four Noble Truths: Life is pain.
Okay. Got it. Sucking it up now, thanks.
“To be fully alive, we must be fully present.
How do we do that?
To experience the answer to this question, you must come to three realizations:
1 You must truly realize life is fleeting.
2 You must understand that you are already complete, worthy, whole.
3 You must see that you are your own refuge, your own sanctuary, your own salvation.”
I like that it’s stated ‘to experience the answer to this question’, because that’s what it’s about: experiencing it. Living it.
Ranier Maria Rilke explains this well in his often quoted letter four of Letters to a Young Poet. Translations vary, but here it is:
“You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
I can appreciate that to experience the answers, to learn the answers, I will have to live my way into the answers by learning to love the questions.
What I don’t appreciate is that Rilke never noted that the questions would be a locker room full of raucous, adolescent, pimply faced questions, slamming locker doors under the fluorescent lights. NOT easy to love. I don’t even really want to go in the room.
But then, Buddhism addresses it with #1 of the Four Noble Truths: Life is pain.
Okay. Got it. Sucking it up now, thanks.
Worthy or Not Worthy? That is the Question...
While reading one of my books, Buddhism Plain and Simple, by Steven Hagan, I ran across this:
“To be fully alive, we must be fully present.
How do we do that?
To experience the answer to this question, you must come to three realizations:
1 You must truly realize life is fleeting.
2 You must understand that you are already complete, worthy, whole.
3 You must see that you are your own refuge, your own sanctuary, your own salvation.”
Intellectually, I do great on these. I am so there. Emotionally, however, I’m only part way on point 2, and when I read 3, I realize I’m screwed. What I mean by this is that I BELIEVE that I am already all these things, but when I look at some of the things I do, or don’t do, I realize that my actions can’t be coming from these beliefs. And then I’ve got to be honest with myself about what I am acting on, and where that comes from. Which is where the idea that I’m screwed comes from.
I’m not really screwed, of course, it’s just that this world and life experiences are so good at teaching us that we are not complete, worthy and whole, right here, right now, that if you can’t get yourself REALLY believing it, you realize that being your own refuge, your own sanctuary is mostly out of reach. Cause I don’t think I can be my own salvation fully until I have fully realized my worth. (Not that I don’t have a lot of self-worth - no need to worry, fellow kids. I’m in a pretty good spot.)
I’ve spoken with both J and G on this. J and I have a lot in common, beginning with our initials - she’s JC and I’m CJ. We find this amusing, as we are often mirrors of each other in life. Our conversations so far reveal that in our dating life, we’ve sometimes chosen men who were not worthy of us. Or rather, ones who were worthy, but refused to believe it themselves, and hence didn’t act like it. Why would we do that? J wants to believe that it has to do with empathy, but I’m not sure I can agree with her. Yes, empathy is involved... but doesn’t that mean that the empathy has overcome some other important things? Like self respect and self worth? Wouldn't that be a bad idea, to let empathy overrun self respect and worth? Why would we have chosen men at any point in life who are not yet worthy of us, if that were not a reflection of our own worth somewhere in there? That I have empathy doesn’t cut it to me. I do, yes, but as an explanation for all of this, it feels like a lie, and I think there’s a reason for that: for me at least, it is a lie. J may have a different story here, or at least I’ll let her come to her own conclusions.
G, a guy friend who may become more than that (but I digress), and I have also spoken about this. There were a few ways in which G and I could each see that our intellectual self worth is above our emotional self worth, but amongst the ones that I’m comfortable sharing here, we revealed to each other that we both make more effort around the house, or cook a nice meal for dinner, if there’s a housemate. Is that about not wanting to be judged, or is that about worth? Could be a little of both, but I find it interesting when I look at all the ways that my own self worth might be subtly affecting every aspect of my life. And all the ways that others are affected by their own self esteem.
All of this surprises me, because I happen to be sure that I rock, and am absolutely amazing. So does, and is, everyone I know and love in this world.
But I wonder how many of us will look at the above reading, feel confident we’re spot on with it, and then think “If I’m my own salvation, I am so screwed.”
“To be fully alive, we must be fully present.
How do we do that?
To experience the answer to this question, you must come to three realizations:
1 You must truly realize life is fleeting.
2 You must understand that you are already complete, worthy, whole.
3 You must see that you are your own refuge, your own sanctuary, your own salvation.”
Intellectually, I do great on these. I am so there. Emotionally, however, I’m only part way on point 2, and when I read 3, I realize I’m screwed. What I mean by this is that I BELIEVE that I am already all these things, but when I look at some of the things I do, or don’t do, I realize that my actions can’t be coming from these beliefs. And then I’ve got to be honest with myself about what I am acting on, and where that comes from. Which is where the idea that I’m screwed comes from.
I’m not really screwed, of course, it’s just that this world and life experiences are so good at teaching us that we are not complete, worthy and whole, right here, right now, that if you can’t get yourself REALLY believing it, you realize that being your own refuge, your own sanctuary is mostly out of reach. Cause I don’t think I can be my own salvation fully until I have fully realized my worth. (Not that I don’t have a lot of self-worth - no need to worry, fellow kids. I’m in a pretty good spot.)
I’ve spoken with both J and G on this. J and I have a lot in common, beginning with our initials - she’s JC and I’m CJ. We find this amusing, as we are often mirrors of each other in life. Our conversations so far reveal that in our dating life, we’ve sometimes chosen men who were not worthy of us. Or rather, ones who were worthy, but refused to believe it themselves, and hence didn’t act like it. Why would we do that? J wants to believe that it has to do with empathy, but I’m not sure I can agree with her. Yes, empathy is involved... but doesn’t that mean that the empathy has overcome some other important things? Like self respect and self worth? Wouldn't that be a bad idea, to let empathy overrun self respect and worth? Why would we have chosen men at any point in life who are not yet worthy of us, if that were not a reflection of our own worth somewhere in there? That I have empathy doesn’t cut it to me. I do, yes, but as an explanation for all of this, it feels like a lie, and I think there’s a reason for that: for me at least, it is a lie. J may have a different story here, or at least I’ll let her come to her own conclusions.
G, a guy friend who may become more than that (but I digress), and I have also spoken about this. There were a few ways in which G and I could each see that our intellectual self worth is above our emotional self worth, but amongst the ones that I’m comfortable sharing here, we revealed to each other that we both make more effort around the house, or cook a nice meal for dinner, if there’s a housemate. Is that about not wanting to be judged, or is that about worth? Could be a little of both, but I find it interesting when I look at all the ways that my own self worth might be subtly affecting every aspect of my life. And all the ways that others are affected by their own self esteem.
All of this surprises me, because I happen to be sure that I rock, and am absolutely amazing. So does, and is, everyone I know and love in this world.
But I wonder how many of us will look at the above reading, feel confident we’re spot on with it, and then think “If I’m my own salvation, I am so screwed.”
Sunday, December 28, 2008
On My Side
I’ve recently realized that, before I share what I’m doing in life, I should really remind most folks that they are on my side. I’m sure I’ll still get “You did what?” now and again, but perhaps some folks will ask calmly, instead. Perhaps not. But you’re on my side, dammit. Don’t forget that.
Part of me would like to use this blog to describe the last four years with my previous boyfriend such that he is exposed as the charming borderline sociopath that he is. And he is charming. And a borderline sociopath. But, despite the fact that you’re all on my side, I’m not sure that I wouldn’t be even more embarrassed to admit all the bull I’ve put up with, and the craziness that has ensued over the years.
And, most of me recognizes that he is well meaning at times, that I should be GRATEFUL for the good he has brought to my life, and that while he may border sociopathy, he is not a true sociopath. And so, I’m going to try and be nice. Try.
Also, while I have no intention of flaunting or even acknowledging this blog with family and many friends, some will likely find it, and I’d hate to be in the habit of writing here about someone what I could not say in front of the individual. Yes, I have told the ex I believe him to be a borderline sociopath, so, no, he won’t be shocked if he reads it here. Irritated, perhaps, but not shocked.
Which brings me to the point of this blog: I’m not sure. Isn’t that exciting? I have no idea what I’m doing here. I’ve some vague beginning of an idea. I think my ego likes the exhibitionism, first of all. I think I’d love to think that I have something to say. I’m not sure I do. This may end up being complete navel-gazing. That would really embarrass me and I’m hoping we don’t end up there. I’m also simply curious. I honestly have no idea what I want to say, or why I want to do so publicly. Doesn’t that make you curious about what will come out? It does me.
I think that what I most hope to do here, is to enforce the habit of writing - I’ve not been writing for some time, and it’s clear to me that right now I need to push myself to get something written every day. I’d like to think I might blog everyday, but I’m not making promises about that.
It’s also my hope that I’ll record some of what I’m learning, some of what I’m finding and exploring in life. I hope that what I write will have some resonance with those who read it.
So, yeah: It’s about my ego.
I am called Cat for more than one reason, indeed.
Part of me would like to use this blog to describe the last four years with my previous boyfriend such that he is exposed as the charming borderline sociopath that he is. And he is charming. And a borderline sociopath. But, despite the fact that you’re all on my side, I’m not sure that I wouldn’t be even more embarrassed to admit all the bull I’ve put up with, and the craziness that has ensued over the years.
And, most of me recognizes that he is well meaning at times, that I should be GRATEFUL for the good he has brought to my life, and that while he may border sociopathy, he is not a true sociopath. And so, I’m going to try and be nice. Try.
Also, while I have no intention of flaunting or even acknowledging this blog with family and many friends, some will likely find it, and I’d hate to be in the habit of writing here about someone what I could not say in front of the individual. Yes, I have told the ex I believe him to be a borderline sociopath, so, no, he won’t be shocked if he reads it here. Irritated, perhaps, but not shocked.
Which brings me to the point of this blog: I’m not sure. Isn’t that exciting? I have no idea what I’m doing here. I’ve some vague beginning of an idea. I think my ego likes the exhibitionism, first of all. I think I’d love to think that I have something to say. I’m not sure I do. This may end up being complete navel-gazing. That would really embarrass me and I’m hoping we don’t end up there. I’m also simply curious. I honestly have no idea what I want to say, or why I want to do so publicly. Doesn’t that make you curious about what will come out? It does me.
I think that what I most hope to do here, is to enforce the habit of writing - I’ve not been writing for some time, and it’s clear to me that right now I need to push myself to get something written every day. I’d like to think I might blog everyday, but I’m not making promises about that.
It’s also my hope that I’ll record some of what I’m learning, some of what I’m finding and exploring in life. I hope that what I write will have some resonance with those who read it.
So, yeah: It’s about my ego.
I am called Cat for more than one reason, indeed.
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